Aug

23

Quotable quotes - August 23

August 23, 2009 posted by indiatime | 3 Comments

1.
“…the accused should be let off because all four have families to support and are the sole bread earners….”
- argument by the lawyers representing presidential bodyguards convicted of a gang rape in New Delhi

2.
“…It’s just not about the grass. During the Lebanon match, there were holes left behind from poles that were dug into the pitch during the Independence Day celebrations….”
- Senior player Dias after India’s loss to Lebanon in the Nehru cup match

3.
“…He reported severe swine flu symptoms and we admitted him immediately. His samples were sent to the National Centre for Disease Control (NCDC) and the results are expected by Sunday afternoon….”
- Medical superintendent of Delhi hospital speaking about a swine flu death on Saturday

4.
“…our own students earn better than us when they join the MNCs. This is why we have decided to protest against the recommendations of the sixth pay commission now…”
- IIT Delhi faculty planning to go on a mass leave this week

5.
“…I received a call from Uma’s in-laws this morning and was shocked to know that my daughter had died of a heart attack…However, what I saw was even more traumatic. There were bruises on her neck….when I noticed that the wounds were all over her body, I decided to call the police…”
- a grieving father who halted his married daughter’s funeral when he suspected murder by the in-laws

6.
“…We acknowledge the iconic stature of Husain, but are unable to put all the people and art work at risk…”
- Neha Kirpal, associate director, India Art Summit, explaining why “…India’s picasso will not be participating…”

7.
“…They took all our furniture and broke my cellphone..They beat my father. We thought of calling Uncle Danny, but what could he do? He was in America..” -
Slumdog star Rubina complaining about how the local government has been treating her family

8.
“…Swiss laws do not permit fishing expeditions…India cannot simply throw its telephone book at Switzerland and ask if any of these people have a bank account here….”
- official at Swiss Bankers Association speaking to Indian press

9.
“…my husband has been living off my hard-earned money and I can no longer stay with him because of cruelty and emotional suffering. I’ve lived in the flickering hope that he would realise his behaviour has caused me pain and agony….”
- divorce petition by Indian supermodel Ujjwala Raut against husband Maxwell Sterry

10.
“…Bloody, we are working 20-24 hours and you are just sitting….”
- Central Health minister Ghulam Nabi Azad to state health ministers on failing to contain swine flu

Jul

22

Top 10 Zardari jokes banned by Pakistani

July 22, 2009 posted by indiatime | 105 Comments

Pakistan’s president Zardari has tasked his country’s top investigation agency to go after those who send, receive, or forward funny or derogatory text messages about the country’s president. Anyone sending or receiving jokes about Zardari will now become liable for a 14-year jail sentence.

Temporarily, many Pakistanis who have so far been enjoying sending and reading funny text messages about their president have reverted to sending messages without any mention of Zardari. Bloggers and mainstream Pakistani media have called the new rules ‘draconian’ and many others contended that such laws would actually encourage further ridicule of the Pakistani president who is consistently portrayed in these text messages as a thief, a dog, a traitor or a demon.

Here are some of those text messages that have angered the Pakistani establishment:

1. Scratch & Win
lllllllllllll
lllllllllli
llllllllri
lllllari
lllardari
“Zardari”
Mubarik Ho aapka KUTTA Nikla Hai.
(Congratulations. It’s a dog.)

2. Long lines
A man standing in a long line for food tells the others in the line that he is leaving the line to go to shoot the president. He returns after a few hours and rejoins the line.
“Did you manage to kill him“, everyone asks him.
“No, that line is longer than this one“, he replies.

3. Robber meets Zardari
Robber: “Give me all your money!”
Zardari: “Don’t you know who I am? I am Asif Ali Zardari.”
Robber: “OK. Give me all my money.”

4. TV anchor announcing:
Terrorists have kidnapped our beloved Zardari and are demanding $5,000,000 or they will burn him with petrol. Please donate what you can. I have donated five liters.”

5. Postmaster General announcing
To commemorate the ascension to the Presidency, Pakistan Post has officially launched a new stamp. But the people of Pakistan are confused which side on the stamp to spit on.

6. Announcement In Zardari’s official airplane…

Mr. President , We are about to land.
could you please put Sherry Rehman (former Information minister) in an
upright position. Thank you….

7. Two dogs
Upset with Zardari
His dog jumped into
A dirty sewer
Said it’s not fair
To live under one roof
For dogs two

8. Pakistani meets American
Pakistani to American: What do you guys do with thieves?
American: We treat them humanely and give them nice food, warm clothes and long jury trials
Pakistani: That’s nothing. We give them the presidency.

9. Genie meets Pakistani
Genie to Pakistani: Order me my master. What can I do for you?
Pakistani to Genie: Bring me all the wealth in the Swiss bank.
Genie: My name is Genie, not Zardari.

10. Text message from one Pakistani to another:
Zardari is my favorite personality.
Zardari is so good looking.
Zardari is so cute.
Zardari is such an honest man.
Zardari is such a very responsible person.
I love Zardari.
Zardari is such a great leader.
I am proud of Zardari…

Jun

25

Top 10 ways India is battling rain crisis

June 25, 2009 posted by indiatime | 5 Comments

India, this month, is facing a huge water crisis because of the delayed monsoon winds that usually show up in the first week of June, but have failed to arrive this year, throwing all economic predictions to the winds. But India’s government and people are readying for the crisis, handling it in a way only they can. Here are the top 10 things that are being done to address the water crisis.

1. Y S Rajasekhara Reddy (aka YSR), The chief minister of the state of Andhra Pradesh has ordered all temples, mosques and churches to conduct special prayers to attract the monsoon winds.

2. The irrigation officials from the same state of Andhra Pradesh are trying a different route. They have begun a new irrigation scheme named after none other than YSR, the chief minister of the state. If you are wondering if that would make the rain Gods jealous, the farmers from the state have in fact built a temple deitifying the chief minister where people have been offering prayers to the chief minister.

3. The government of the state of Madhya Pradesh is also doing everything it can to bring rains to the state. The chief minister of this state has ordered ancient fire rituals and has brought in expert priests from the neighboring Maharashtra state. The state’s citizens too, are doing their bit by offering milk, curd, sugar, ghee and honey to Lord Shiva.

4. The state of Karnataka may get some relief if the state’s chief minister’s prayers are answered. He was recently seen visiting the neighboring state of Tamilnadu, offering prayers at the Lord Nataraja temple in Tamil Nadu’s Chidambaram and Kumbakonam, and Lord Saneeswarar temple in Puducherry.

5. Goa is doing its bit by offering prayers to St Anthony. Mascarenhas, a local historian, recalled the local tradition where people ascend the hills to the crosses atop, carrying stones on their heads. “The invocations would end with an ejaculation”, he said, “…We have sinned oh Lord and have pity on us and send us rain!”

6. The state of Maharashtra was trying a different approach. Citizens in Nagpur married two frogs to attract the rain gods’ attention. Raja and Rani, two local frogs, were married in a solemn ritual in the ancient vedic tradition.

7. Delhi’s local government too, stepped into action. The state’s newly re-elected chief minister advised the public to use power judiciously. “You do the same too“, replied her voters.

8. Not to be left behind, India’s central government too, was feverishly working to bring an end to the rain crisis. “…The plan as to what is to be done if there is excess monsoon or a deficient monsoon is in place in every department of the government…”, uttered Prithviraj Chavan, the minister of Science and Technology. He also assured the nation that the Prime Minister was personally monitoring the situation and the Cabinet Secretary was meeting all the secretaries.

9. Maybe the rain gods need new glasses or something. As the rest of the country was suffering the lack of the monsoon clouds, the desert state of Rajasthan was said to be gearing up for a record flood situation. No word yet on whether the chief minister had ordered prayers to shoo the rain Gods away from the state.

10. One wonders what the residents of the state of Gujarat have been praying for. The citizens of Vadodara did not get a visit from the rain gods, but instead were shocked to see naked women roaming the streets.

Jun

24

Recently, the Reserve Bank of India issued a fake currency detection drive, when it noticed counterfeit versions of several denominations all over India. Just a few days, workers receiving wages at a government project found out that the cash handed out for their hard labor turned out to be fake currency. There have been reports of millions of fake paper denominations in circulation, especially the thousand rupee note.

Here are a few basic ways to find out if that Rs 1000 in your hand is a genuine or a fake. Look at the side that has Gandhi’s picture, and study the paper bill holding it horizontally at eye level.

1000 rupees security features

1. On the left side, there is a big watermark area that shows you Gandhi’s picture in black and white, with lines going off in many directions.

2. Several portions of the paper bill have raised prints (intaglio prints) - Gandhi’s picture on the right side, the circular bank seal below and to the right of that picture, the governor’s signature near bottom center and the words above it, the three lions (Ashoka pillar emblem) near the bottom left.

3. To the right of the Gandhi image on the right, is a wide vertical band. When held at eye level, it will show the numbers 1000 written from the bottom to the top.

4. A windowed vertical thread with inscriptions saying ‘bharat’ (in Hindi), ‘1000′ & ‘RBI’.

5. A raised print of a diamond shape to the left of the Gandhi watermark and below the floral shape.

6. A floral shape that exactly matches a similar shape on the other side of the paper bill, when held against light

7. Blue & green color shift that shows the numbers 1000 in the middle in green when the paper bill is held flat, but in blue when held at an angle.

8. Apart from these simple seven measures, you can also see the fluorescent serial numbers on top right and scattered optical fibers around those, when seen in uv light.

9. Another simple check is the size of the 1000 Rupees (177mm x 73mm).

10. And the simplest check of all is to make sure the Gandhi image is the good old Mohandas Gandhi and not one of his less deserving namesakes.

Jun

18

Top 10 travel tips to Gujarat

June 18, 2009 posted by indiatime | 4 Comments

Gujarat state tourism has some travel tips for tourists. Here is a summed up list in no particular order:

1. Bear in mind that people are often pleased to see foreigners in local dress -

Foreigners should bring in their collection of Indian dresses including their favorite head scarves ‘that can come in handy’.

2. If you are wearing expensive jewellery, keep it low-key so as not to attract theft

3. Unlike other states in India, walking around in urban and rural areas in this state is safe. It is less safer in less populated areas. But you will probably have the most difficulty in thick crowds at fairs, festivals, and programs. If you do get physically harassed, try and approach the situation as calmly as you can, but don’t hesitate to address it with the person -

Wow. This means foreigners should not venture into areas that are neither urban nor rural. Secondly, it is safer to walk in more populated areas, but totally unsafe to walk in most populated areas. Thirdly, if you are harrassed, you should calmly take out your head scarf that you brought along with you and calmly put it around the troublemakers and should calmly give a tug and pull it tight.

4. There is very little contact physical between men and women in Gujarat.
I’ll be damned. How the heck did the population go up in those more populated areas?

5. Be sure to keep water and snacks with you. Carry puffed rice and a knife to peel fruit. Use ziploc bags to at half-eaten food later.

- Half-eaten food that you yourself ate half. Not to put others’ half-eaten food you dummy.

6. Consider homeopathy if your child falls sick. Many children need a particular blanket to feel secure.

- Who knew Gujarat state was promoting homeopathy? And blanket merchants as well? If only we knew what particular blanket and where to get it.

7. For disabled travelers, Gujarat state is in the process of gathering information about them.

8. Encourage your children to window-shop instead of real shopping, as a cultural learning experience.

9. Before the trip, involve your kid in the itinerary and other travel decisions, if they are old enough for conversation -

Better keep mum about your travel plans if they are younger than old enough.

10. Women visitors, especially those traveling alone, might come across difficulties that men do not. -

We know and care, because our the local women, too, come across those same difficulties that men do not.

And one more:

11. While you will often see men holding hands with each other in friendship, anything more would be considered inappropriate.

In friendship, holding anything more than hands is inappropriate.

Jun

16

Here is how some people reacted to Bollywood hunk Shiney Ahuja’s detention on charges of raping his maid.

My husband is innocent and all this is rubbish. I love him very much. He is a wonderful father and a great partner. He’s a man with a golden heart. The entire family stands by him…
- Anupam Ahuja (wife)

As members of the society, we really cannot do anything about it. Besides, we have never heard of Shiney Ahuja indulging in such acts before.
- an Ahuja family member

When I worked with him he did not come across as that sort of person
- Vinod Pande, producer

He had done a lot of charity work while I was looking after his public relations
- Dale Bhagwagar, Ahuja’s (already) ex public relations person

I am sure there’s some misunderstanding here.
- Sudhir Mishra, filmmaker

We’ve bonded over a long period of time. Never has there been even a hint of bad behaviour from him. I wouldn’t have tolerated it. I remember once long ago a spotboy had behaved badly with a lady on my sets, I had fired him immediately. One has to be very careful about these things. It’s not fair to try Shiney on television.
- Anurag Basu, director

You can’t do this to a man who has a family, career and a bright future.
- Mukesh Bhatt, filmmaker, addressing the media and the maid

It is absolutely obvious that the age of empires has ended and its revival will not take place.
- Ahmadinejad, Iranian president

there is no other alternative but to pursue the path of dialogue, it is in our vital interest to try again to make peace
- Manmohan Singh, Prime minister

We are shying away from pin-pointing our weaknesses and fixing responsibility. We are hoping that time shall heal our wounds
- Yashwant Sinha, senior leader of opposition

When a volcano is on even a small spark (chingari) can make it flare up further
- Sushma Swaraj, a little less senior leader of opposition

Viru & I know what happened between us
- Mahendra Singh Dhoni, captain of Indian cricket team

And that hopefully is going to be a topic at the G-8 summit, as well…
- Barack Obama, US president

Apr

4

“…Women can use their high heels to put their foot down, spray perfume in the eyes of criminals and strike them hard with their bags…”
- Deputy Commissioner of police, Delhi, speaking to IT employees

Yeah. And women can strangle the criminals with their scarves, tear down the rapists’ eardrums with loud & shrill cries for help, nag eve-teasers to death, gouge the eyes of any oglers with long fingernails, hang wife-beaters to ceilings using their 5-yard sarees, wear poisonous lipstick and kiss their abusive lesser halves to death.

Several women in Delhi have lately fallen victims to gangs of criminals that move around late at night and target young lonely women returning home from night shifts. During the last year, not a day, nor a night has gone by without some untoward incident endangering the life of a young woman in India’s capital. An armed robbery, an assault, a rape, a gang-rape, a murder, kidnapping, acid-attacks, burnings, and what not.

“…Woman can also hit below the belt in case of trouble. All these measures will help women buy some time and flee from the spot…”, the deputy commissioner told the crowd. Flee from the spot with those high heels, you mean?

“…Women should also stand with their backs to the wall, so that they can keep a tab on their surroundings..”, added the deputy commissioner. Yeah, maybe the women being attacked need to back into a corner, perhaps? One of the recently murdered women was driving when she was shot at from another vehicle. What should she have done? Taken out her high heels and thrown it at the other car?

Here’s the thing. Delhi police have failed to outsmart the crop of local gangs that have recently sprung up. So the police have tried to publicize all these nonsensical community awareness campaigns. The idea is to reduce their own workload and deflect the criticism by reiterating about inadequate resources. Surprizingly, the Delhi police chief’s yearly report for 2008 claimed big victories in virtually area. Molestations down 29%, rapes down 22%, dacoities down 36%, murder attempts down 26%, ransom kidnappings down 13%.

And even if things start looking a little bad this year, no worries. Delhi police is soon coming out with more self-defense strategies for women. How about women disguising as men? How about women not working at all and staying at home? How about women leaving Delhi and settling in Mizoram or Kerala? How about women leaving the country and migrating to Singapore or Saudi Arabia? How about Z+ security for every woman in Delhi, the same protection that’s enjoyed by Delhi’s top two women residents?

Nov

10

Top 10 reasons Obama hasn’t called Man Mohan Singh

November 10, 2008 posted by indiatime | 10 Comments

The American president-elect Barack Obama is said to have called 15 world leaders so far, including presidents or prime ministers or kings of Australia, Britain, Canada, France, Germany, Israel, Japan, Mexico, South Korea, Egypt, Italy, Saudi Arabia, Spain, Poland and Pakistan. Surprisingly, president-elect Obama has not called India’s leaders yet.

The truth is Obama has tried calling Mr. Singh. And a few times, he did connect as well. For various reasons though, the call did not seem to progress into a productive telephonic conversation. Here are ten reasons why that happened:

1. The first time Obama called the Indian Prime Minister’s office, Mr. Singh’s chief secretary picked up the phone and said, “who is speaking..” Hearing that, Obama kept the phone down and told his secretary that by mistake, they had connected to the Chinese president’s office.

2. Obama tried again a little later. Once again, Singh’s secretary picked up the phone. Obama thought that he should let the guy know who he was speaking with. So before the Indian secretary had a chance to say anything, Obama said, “This is Barack Obama speaking..”. “Yeah right”, said the chief secretary, “and I am Mahatma Gandhi here…”.

3. A bit upset, Obama told his secretary to look up the Indian leader’s number again. So they gave him another number to try. “This is Barack Obama speaking”, he said. “Oh, Mr. Obama, congratulations, what a great victory…”, said the voice on the other line. “Yeah, it was a blast”, said Obama. “A blast? Wait…we will find out who is behind it..”, said the voice, “and now I have to go and change my suit…”.

“Can’t you get me Mr. Singh’s correct number? That was the Indian home minister, you moron…”, the usually unruffled Obama blasted his secretary.

4. So Obama’s secretary gave him another number to try. He called and decided to make sure that he was speaking to the right person.

“Is this Mr. Singh?”, he asked.
“Yes, it is”, said the voice.
“This is Barack Obama”, he said.
“Oh hello Mr. Obama, how is the election shaping up so far?”
“Well, I won mine you know..and we will soon have about 60 seats in the senate…”, said Obama with palpable joy in his voice.
“Well, you know I can give you another 40 to make it an absolute majority”, said the voice.
“Darn it!”, said Obama, putting the phone down, “…you gave me Amar Singh’s number…”.

5. Once again, the secretary handed him another phone number.

“This is Barack Obama. Is Mr. Singh home?”, he asked.
“Yes, but he’s relaxing”, said the voice.

“Darn it!”, said Obama putting the phone down, “…you gave me Milkha Singh’s number….”

6. Once again, the secretary handed him another phone number.

“This is Barack Obama. Is Mr. Singh home?”, he asked.
“Yes, this is he”, said the voice.
“Ah, finally”, thought Obama. “Mr. Singh, what do you think of my victory”?
“Well, what can I say? A great victory for minorities and scheduled castes and the affirmative action..actually, your country should reserve 50% of senate and congress seats for black people….”

“Darn it!”, said Obama putting the phone down, “…this is that old fool Arjun Singh….”

7. Once again, the secretary handed him another phone number.
“This is Barack Obama. Is Mr. Singh home?”, he asked.
“Yes, this is he”, said Mr. Singh.
“Mr. Singh, I hope your country, too, will see the light at the end of the tunnel as the Americans have now seen..”
“Ya Obamaji, there is light at the end of the tunnel for India, but it’s that of an oncoming train which will run them over …..”
“What do you mean”, asked Obama.
“What I meant was experience is like a comb that life gives you when you are bald..”, replied Mr. Singh.

“Darn it!”, said Obama putting the phone down, “…this is that Navjot Singh….”

8. “You may not have the right city code. Try another one..”, Obama told his secretary. So she found him another number to try.

“This is Barack Obama speaking”, he said.
“Wow, this is fantastic”, said the voice.
“So, what do you think of my victory”, asked Obama, beaming with pride.
“What can I say?…it’s outstanding, mindblowing, fantastic. history…”, said the voice.

“Darn it!”, said Obama putting the phone down, “…I did not ask for Himesh Reshammiya’s number…”

9. Once again, the secretary handed Obama another number.

“This is Barack Obama”, he said.
“Congrats Mr Obama”, said the voice.
“You know I have decided to give some key positions in my cabinet to Indians”, said Obama.
“Indians? Why don’t you give them to Maharashtrians?”, retorted the voice on the other end.

“Darn it!”, said Obama putting the phone down, “…I know how to deal with Chicago mafia, but I’m sure I can’t handle Mumbai’s godfathers…”.

10. “Are these all the Indian numbers you have? One last time, let’s try one last time”, said Obama.
“This is President-elect Barack Obama..”, he said.
“This is the president”, said the voice on the other end.
“Oh, ok”, said Obama, “so I’m speaking to the number one woman in India…”
“Two”, said the voice.
“Oh ok..look”, said Obama, “I really called to speak to prime minister Singh, may be I can call him back in one hour”…
“Two”, said the voice.
“That’s not a problem”, said Obama, “I really need to speak to him soon, since my inauguration is just a month away…”
“Two”, said the voice.

Oct

17

Palin vs Patil - a comparative study

October 17, 2008 posted by indiatime | 1 Comment

Sarah Palin, the vice-residential nominee of the republican party in the the US is trying to reach a goal that Pratibha Patil of India has already reached. The two women come from two corners of the planet, Palin from Alaska and Patil from Maharashtra. But there is a surprisingly large number of things they have in common. Here is my humble attempt to bring those coincidences to your attention:-

palin patil
 
current governor of the
northwestern state of Alaska, USA		 former governor of the
northwestern Rajasthan, India
 
first female governor of Alaska, USA first female governor of Rajasthan, India
 
currently nominee for Vice-President of USA currently President of India
 
captain of basketball team in school captain of table-tennis team in college
 
winner of local beauty pageant was voted ‘college queen’ of MJ College, Jalgaon
 
Is a Bachelor of Science (BS) in Communication-Journalism Is a Bachelor of Law (LLB), and a Master of Arts (MA) in Political Science
 
has been accused of firing her brother-in-law has been accused of shielding her brother from a criminal investigation
 
her husband has been accused of interfering with an official investigation her husband has been accused of contributing to a teacher’s accidental death
 
Is an avid hunter married into a family originally from a place called ‘Sikar’ meaning hunting in Hindi
 
Her nomination for the vice-presidential spot caused controversy prompting many to question her qualifications Her nomination for the presidential spot caused controversy prompting many to question her qualifications
 
Has never uttered the word ‘Rajasthan’ or ‘Maharashtra’. Has surely uttered the word ‘Alaska’ several times. In her language, Alas Ka means ‘did you come’?
 

Sep

30

10 ways to ask Amitabh Bachchan for money…

September 30, 2008 posted by indiatime | 2 Comments

Amidst the chaos of the bomb blasts and the terrorist threats, there is sometime that incredible news that just takes all the stress away and makes you shake your head in disbelief. Last Thursday, that incredibly comical albeit somewhat scary thing happened to India’s biggest idol, Amitabh Bachchan, when he got a text message from an unknown person, demanding Rs 25 Crores. The message (”…Maare jaoge, tumhare pas sirf teen din hain, agar jeena chahte ho to 25 crore de do, nahi to…”), asking Mr. Bachchan to pay up the money or else face dire consequences, was found to be sent by a look-alike of none other than Abhishek Bachchan. The police quickly traced the message to the look-alike Raj Purohit, who had acted as Abhishek Bachchan’s double in the new movie ‘Drona’. Needless to say, Purohit was nabbed and all is well.

Purohit proved to be a dumb idiot and got himself behind bars. He could have simply asked Mr. Bachchan for some help and might have gotten it. Amitabh Bachchan has helped a lot of up-and-coming youngsters, and has proved to be a kind human being on several occasions. The least Raj Purohit could have done is get Mr. Bachchan’s attention by a comic text message like this:

1. Dad…this is Abhishek..the person living in your house right now is a look-alike, an impostor..can you wire the real me Rs 25 Crores at …….

2. This is Raj speaking…Send me Rs 25 Crores…you know where…

3. Dad….Salman is in trouble again….this black buck owner is asking for 25 Crore green bucks….

4. Jai, this is Gabbar Singh…if you want to save Ramgarh, send me Rs 25 Crore from Thakur’s old safe…

5. Amitji…Patil here….I got those new suits tailored from your tailor-master..but he has sent me this huge bill…

6. Dad..Abhishek again…it will cost us Rs 25 Crores to buy all tickets for the first weekend…

7. Anthony Gonsalves, Amar here…..Can you lend me some chump change….normally I wouldn’t ask, but I ended up giving a lot it away in that confidence vote last month….

8. Dad..Abhishek again…dad please…Selva Mani, Bhagat and Rashid won’t let go of me unless they get Rs 25 Crores…

9. Mr. Bachchan, this is Income Tax department..you owe the government Rs 25 Crores from your income last year..can you just wire it to…

10. Bhakt Amitabh…this is Balaji…yes…soham, Venkateswara,…son, send me 25 Crores…I will make sure all your dreams come true….

Aug

14

Musharraf’s last 10 emails

August 14, 2008 posted by indiatime | 2 Comments

As rumor mills went wild about Pakistani president Pervez Musharraf being on the verge of quitting his chair, Indiatime decided to investigate and hack Musharraf’s laptop. On his gmail account, we found drafts of 10 emails written by the soon-to-be retiree. Here’s an exclusive sneak peek:

1. Email to Friends of Musharraf society:
folks…I had asked some of you to arrange for transportation and accommodation….am disappointed only a couple of you have replied back…can manage to extend this act for a few more days..but gotta have some arrangement made soon…hey guys..for old times sake, please? Please forward this email to at least 10 people you know…or else…

2. Email to Friends of Al-Qaeda Society:
Hi, I had thought my membership may have lapsed, but I think I had paid for the patron membership…haven’t been getting any of the latest brochures…I was wondering if there’s any membership discount on renting those bordertown apartments in the new northwest subdivision?…

3. Email to Passport office, Govt of India :
Dear Sir, I was born in Daryaganj, New Delhi in 1943, but have lost my Indian passport. I have been traveling abroad for a while, but am planning to settle down in India for good. The current government of Pakistan has been persecuting me and I was wondering if the Indian government can request my extradition to New Delhi on humanitarian grounds…

4. Email to the US President:
Hi W, long time no letter, no see. I don’t know what Gilani’s been telling you, but it’s all lies. I tried to call the hotline the other day, but AT&T said I was over my minutes. Call me, I had this update on this top Al-Qaeda guy we caught this morning….I think he’s like their number 2 or something…

5. Email to Friends of Kashmir:
Guys, old buddy Mush here. Yes, I did get the messages, but I can’t keep up the supplies anymore. Need to look out for myself now. Don’t ask me what to do with your movement. Take it and whatever.

6. Email to Zee TV:
Dear Sir, I am a regular viewer of your reality shows and would love to be a judge on your show. I have experience as a judge, jury and an executioner. Me and my friends at the ISI, we ran a ‘big brother’ show for many years, watching over politicians and judges.

7. Email to the Sheikh of Dubai:
Dear Sir, I came across this ebay listing, and was wondering if the country of Pakistan is still available in your World archipelago project. I used to own the real country of Pakistan, but these democratic buggers have taken it back. I have to own Pakistan and can pay whatever the going rate is for Pakistan Islands. Don’t worry about the payment..my bank account was still working this morning..plus my bud Dawood can help transfer any funds necessary…

8. Email to Tom Hanks, producer, Charlie Wilson’s War:
Hi Tom, I know you picked Om Puri to play Zia-Ul-Haq in Charlie Wilson’s War. But nobody can play me as well as I myself can, so whenever you guys make that movie on the war on terror, remember I asked you first. I can help you with the props as well..no need to rent any fake guns…we got real stuff…

9. Email to Ekta Kapoor, serial TV-serial-maker:
Hello Ektaji, my wife and I watch all your TV soaps every day. My wife had this idea about a TV show loosely based on my life story, and she was wondering if we could sit down to discuss the details…She has a title song ready as well…a very catchy tune I must say…Mushu Mushu honey…

10. Email to Sonia Gandhi:
Soniaji, I’ve always admired your courage….respect you a lot…look, I was thinking if it’s ok if I send you a rakhee tomorrow? I know it’s the other way, I mean it’s sisters tying rakhees to their brothers and all…but look, I’m in deep shit here….I think these guys Sharif and Zardari aren’t going to let me off easy….you think you can talk to them for me? Yeah, they’ll listen to you…tell them you’re against death sentence….no hanging business….man this is scary…

Notes to self:
- change email id. Pervpagi@email too obvious…
- get new hair dye…
- watch The Fugitive DVD for ideas…
- play solitaire one last time…

Aug

8

Top 10 reasons India sucks at the Olympics

August 8, 2008 posted by indiatime | 77 Comments

Yesterday, Tim Sullivan, an Associated Press writer, wrote a stinging article about India’s decades of mediocrity at the Olympic arena. And surprizingly, for a non-Indian analyst, he hit the nail on the head when he offered the most likely explanation of India’s Olympic debacle - “…The most likely explanation seems to be that India has paid little attention to sports other than cricket, and given those sports almost no funding…”.

Here are my 10 guesses as to why India, the mighty superpower-to-be of this century, is more like a teeny-weeny micro-power, when it comes to Olympic sports.

1. History -For the entire first half of the modern Olympic history that started in 1896, India was a British colony where life as an athlete was the last thing on most people’s minds. Even today, that British influence refuses to wear off, leaving its mark in the form of the British game of Cricket, a sport that has virtually destroyed any hope of any other sport gaining any traction in India.

2. Cricket -In India, Cricket hogs more coverage, more money, more political influence, and more time of people’s lives than all other sports combined. Generations of talented athletes have been ignored, left in poverty, forgotten by the state, and just left to rot, thanks to the Cricket brats who enjoy millions and give back zilch to the sporting world in return. Even this year, India’s highest honor in sports went to a Cricketer, extinguishing any hopes and aspirations of future track and field stars who might have been dreaming to be future Olympians.

3. Politics -Just as it corrupts everything else in this country, politics and the masters who practise it, have held most Indian sports hostage, by stifling funding, meddling with selection processes, and influencing sports awards. The head of India’s Olympic contingent is a career politician, and so is the head of India’s Cricket board. Personally and financially, it is a great achievement for them both. For the athletes who represent those sports, it is nothing less than a nightmare and a shame.

4. Bollywood -Bollywood is one of the strongest influencers of India’s public life. More than 99% of the movie scripts that come out of Bollywood deal with girl meets boy stories that are decorated with stupid dances and silly romantic songs which make for a great 3-hour escape, but also help people look the other way where people need to face reality. Over a 100 years, Bollywood has made probably less than 5 notable movies about sports.

5. Education system -India’s education system discourages sports and athleticism. Most youngsters interested in sports activities tend to quit early and join either medicine or engineering fields to be viable in the competitive job markets. The school-level sports seldom produce record-breaking performances, and there aren’t any proper scouting programs that can hunt good athletes out and groom them.

6. Generalized neglect and apathy and idiocy-Most Indians did not and probably still do not know the Indian who, for decades, was the only Indian to have won an individual medal at the Olympics. As against that, most Indians know, by heart, every name on India’s cricketing roaster for last 50 years. Khashaba Jadhav won India’s first wrestling honor at the 1952 games, but was forgotten for years, just like that. Just like that. And that year and the next and the next and for many thereafter, India’s cricketers had their asses kicked by every other Cricketing team on the planet, and they were our national heroes.

7. Generalized lack of national pride -Olympics is a time of pride for nations that excel at the games and a time of shame for those who suck at it. Indians have taken themselves out of contention even before participating. Even this year, as he left for Beijing, the president of India’s Olympic contingent told the press not to expect much from the Indian contingent.

8. All action, no talk -That’s what the Olympics are all about. But that’s completely contrary to our philosophy of life which is all talk and little action. If there ever were an Olympics for oratory, demagoguery, and eloquence, Indians would bring home all the medals. But sports is action and that’s a problem (even our action heroes talk more and act less).

9. Scriptures -We are into metaphysical Olympics, not physical Olympics. Our scriptures tell us that our bodies are just temporary mediums for our souls. So why exercise something that is not going to be around in a few years? Why not, instead, exercise the soul, and the mind? Oh, you want to run faster than me? By all means, my child. But what are you running from?

10. Actually, most Indians really do not give a rat’s ass as to which country won how many medals at the games. Most of us will enjoy the Chinese firecrackers, ogle at the female gymnasts, cheer for the dwindling number of Indians still in contention, and in a few weeks, will get back to the more philosophical and more metaphysical aspects of living.

Jul

30

Ten famous singers who died young

July 30, 2008 posted by indiatime | 8 Comments

Here are those famous voices whose owners left young, leaving their fans grieving and longing for more.

1. Selena Quintanilla (1971-1995) - The Mexican-American singer, also known by some as the Mexican Madonna, rose to the top of the billboard charts. But that was in 1995, the same year she was murdered by one of her own fans.

2. Ritchie Valens (1941-1959) - American singer most remembered for his classic ‘La Bamba’, died in a plane crash in Iowa.

3. Buddy Holly (1936-1959) - American singer who is also hailed as a pioneer of rock and roll. He is known for hits such as Peggy Sue Got Married. Buddy Holly died in the same plane crash that killed Ritchie Valens. (The 1959 plane crash tragedy inspired the famous song The American Pie, a 1971 hit).

4. Patsy Cline (1932-1963) - American country music singer, also died in a plane crash

5. Julia Vega (1968-1985) - Young singing sensation from Philippines, died young of pneumonia, most probably a complication of a neurological condition.

6. Yukiko Okada (1967-1986) - Japanese singing idol who took her own life

7. Frankie Lymon (1942-1968)- African-American teenage singing idol, the lead singer of The Teenagers, remembered for such songs as Why Do Fools Fall in Love. Died of drug overdose.

8. Viktor Tsoi (1962-1990) - Korean-Russian singer, also known as pioneer of Russian rock, was killed in a car accident.

10. Ishmeet Singh (1989-2008) - The rising star of Indian music, young Ishmeet’s life was cut short by a freak drowning accident on the coast of the Maldive Islands.

Jul

27

With multiple succesive serial bomb blasts occuring daily in highly populated Indian metros, India, is now ever so softer target for terrorists as never before. Indian investigative agencies excel in postmortem investigations, but they lack the intelligence arm that would allow them the luxury of a warning signal before anything bad happens. Until then, here are my ten suggestions for the metropolitican public in India that feels vulnerable and defenseless against sudden terrorist strikes.

1. Community watches : No matter how the terrorist build the bomb, they need to deliver it. Major tragedies canbe averted and lives can be saved, if they’re caught or at least seen before delivering it. India’s metros have community groups like Ganesh festival groups in Mumbai or Durga Pooja groups in Kolkata. These civilian groups can take it upon themselves to watch every nook and public corner of their communities for any unusual activity. A million watchful eyes are better than those of a handful of cops.

2. CCTV :Many western metros are now completely under the coverage of closed circuit TV cameras, catching everything that goes on in public. With top priorities like terrorism, financing such measures should not be an issue. As long as the CCTV comnaies are not owned by those in the parliament.

3. Education police :India’s cops are still under-educated about terror watches and activities and need a lot more orienting their minds towards identifying situations. A good watchful cop can save a thousand lives in a big metro before an incidence happens. The cops also need to be trained in emergency measures after such incidences, something that can help reduce or minimize casualties.

4. Educating Public :They say public has a short memory and whoever they are, they are so damn right. Add to that TV media with a short memory and you have a slumber party of sorts going on with people back to their happy-go-lucky weekend. Indian public still does not fuly comprehend the motives of the perpetrators who wish to destroy the Indian way of life.

5. Educating politicians :Within minutes of the blasts, members of the ruling coalition were seen speaking about the Gujarat state government’s law and order capabilities. That’s a dangerous thing to do. These smooth-talking congress-loyalists seemed like they were taking political advantage of a heinous tragedy. That’s just plain wrong. It may be a political issue later, especially during the elections, but this, here and today, is no place and time for that.

6. Quick, forceful and swift justice : Home minister Patil expressed sympathy and support for the victims of the tragedies. The only thing that can bring a semblance of a smile on those faces is if the people who destroyed their lives are brought to face a swift and sharp justice. Words, especially the mumbling ones, from the home minister would mean very little.

7. Border security : India’s threat is not home-grown terrorism but the one that is cross-border, insurgent and supprted by the neighboring rogue nation that the entire planet knows to be the breeding ground of world terrorism. India needs to seal its border with Pakistan, down to a milimeter, literally, no matter how hard that task is.

8. Taking charge :It is often said that offense is the best defense. That adage is true of wars as well. While a big nation might perceive terrorist threats as ‘threats’, the terrorists view these things as their ‘wars’. India needs to adapt itself to that thinking where it starts thinking of these threats as ‘military attacks’. For those who argue that the terrorist do not represent a state nation but a mentality, the only thing I would say is to stop kidding themselves.

9. Economic and cultural isolation :India needs to economically and culturally isolate those who support and fund the tragedies that claim Indian citizens’ lives every day. We play cricket with Pakistan in the morning and a few hours later we tell the world it is a terrorist nation. People’re thinking we’re either foolish or just plain paranoid.

10. Military action : This is the only decisive, final and long-tem solution that will free India of a terrorist issue for generations to come. Doctors will tell you that the best way to address a threatening cancer is most often surgery or nuclear medicine. India can get back to its yogic and meditation techniques for later rehabilitation.

Jul

24

British businesses get pointers on India

July 24, 2008 posted by indiatime | 1 Comment

The UK-India Business Council, an organization that works for improving the bilateral trade between the two countries, has announced new ‘etiquette classes’, or India 101 for British businesses. Here are some of their suggestions coming directly from the council :

1. Don’t kiss Indian women during goodbyes and while saying hello - okay if done at other times. And by the way, that goes for Indian men, too.

2. Opening gifts in a hurry when Indian hosts are still in the room - Make sure no Indian is in the room or wait until the last Indian has left the room. When saying goodbye to the last Indians leaving the room, do not kiss them.

3. Do not talk down, or patronise Indian colleagues and business partners - Your country, Great Britain, is in no position or shape to do so. Yes, we ruled this bloody country, but that was during your grandfather’s times. Don’t forget it’s 2008, and we all work for Mittal. .

4. Indians are not always punctual, so be patient and flexible. - What the f*** did the council tell you just a moment ago? Do not patronize bloody Indians. They are never puncutual, so you Brits need to understand that.

5. Say ‘Namaste’ with a slight bow and palms together - You do this one time, and you have won the stupid Indians. They will kiss your feet once you say namaste with a bow. But again, do not kiss back.

6. Indians may call on weekends for discussing business, so don’t be offended - These lungiwallahs and pungiwallahs have no idea how the civilized world spends its weekends. Allow your big heart to forgive them for working so hard and being so ignorant. With your help, they will hopefully catch up to the civilization soon..

7. India has a rich and diverse cultural landscape; a land of huge opportunities - Yeah, we couldn’t take everything home before 1947. Wish Gandhi hadn’t distracted us with his attire last time.

8. Don’t display affection in public - Offer to display affection in private. But first you must bow and say ‘namaste’. Bow when you meet. Bow before you cheat.

9. Flattery and complimenting are an important way of putting people at ease - Bow and flatter. Then you’ve got these guys by their balls. But don’t patronize.

10. Standing with hands on hips is considered rude - India is a strange country that has yet to catch up with civilization. Standing with hands on hips is our classy way to look hip, but in India, you must close your palms and say ‘namaste’ and then bow. Bloody desis still follow their jungle customs.

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