Jul

22

Top 10 Zardari jokes banned by Pakistani

July 22, 2009 posted by indiatime | 33 Comments

Pakistan’s president Zardari has tasked his country’s top investigation agency to go after those who send, receive, or forward funny or derogatory text messages about the country’s president. Anyone sending or receiving jokes about Zardari will now become liable for a 14-year jail sentence.

Temporarily, many Pakistanis who have so far been enjoying sending and reading funny text messages about their president have reverted to sending messages without any mention of Zardari. Bloggers and mainstream Pakistani media have called the new rules ‘draconian’ and many others contended that such laws would actually encourage further ridicule of the Pakistani president who is consistently portrayed in these text messages as a thief, a dog, a traitor or a demon.

Here are some of those text messages that have angered the Pakistani establishment:

1. Scratch & Win
lllllllllllll
lllllllllli
llllllllri
lllllari
lllardari
“Zardari”
Mubarik Ho aapka KUTTA Nikla Hai.
(Congratulations. It’s a dog.)

2. Long lines
A man standing in a long line for food tells the others in the line that he is leaving the line to go to shoot the president. He returns after a few hours and rejoins the line.
“Did you manage to kill him“, everyone asks him.
“No, that line is longer than this one“, he replies.

3. Robber meets Zardari
Robber: “Give me all your money!”
Zardari: “Don’t you know who I am? I am Asif Ali Zardari.”
Robber: “OK. Give me all my money.”

4. TV anchor announcing:
Terrorists have kidnapped our beloved Zardari and are demanding $5,000,000 or they will burn him with petrol. Please donate what you can. I have donated five liters.”

5. Postmaster General announcing
To commemorate the ascension to the Presidency, Pakistan Post has officially launched a new stamp. But the people of Pakistan are confused which side on the stamp to spit on.

6. Announcement In Zardari’s official airplane…

Mr. President , We are about to land.
could you please put Sherry Rehman (former Information minister) in an
upright position. Thank you….

7. Two dogs
Upset with Zardari
His dog jumped into
A dirty sewer
Said it’s not fair
To live under one roof
For dogs two

8. Pakistani meets American
Pakistani to American: What do you guys do with thieves?
American: We treat them humanely and give them nice food, warm clothes and long jury trials
Pakistani: That’s nothing. We give them the presidency.

9. Genie meets Pakistani
Genie to Pakistani: Order me my master. What can I do for you?
Pakistani to Genie: Bring me all the wealth in the Swiss bank.
Genie: My name is Genie, not Zardari.

10. Text message from one Pakistani to another:
Zardari is my favorite personality.
Zardari is so good looking.
Zardari is so cute.
Zardari is such an honest man.
Zardari is such a very responsible person.
I love Zardari.
Zardari is such a great leader.
I am proud of Zardari…

Feb

15

Only in India - February 15th, 09

February 15, 2009 posted by indiatime | 4 Comments

News stories that could not have come from anywhere else:

1. Allahabad Motorist ticketed for driving without helmet
A cop in Allahabad will soon be facing a judge to explain why he ticketed a motorist for driving a car without wearing a helmet. Last December, Premchand Kesarwani, a local businessman, was pulled over by constable Nripat Singh, who first inspected Kesarwani’s papers and then ticketed him for not wearing a helmet.

Kesarwani appealed to the local court and complained that Nripat Singh, the cop, had initially asked him for a ride to a nearby town. Upon refusing to oblige the cop and his family, the cop handed him a paper. “Oh, fine”, said Kesarwani.

2. Leopard in Bangalore University
Yeah, the animal, not the Mac operating system. Yesterday, a leopard, a real one from the animal kingdom, actually made its way into the Bangalore University campus, throwing the neighborhood and the campus into panic mode. “…the leopard lives in the campus, but hasn’t harmed anyone so far…”, vouched B. Jairam, the deputy conservator of Forests.

“…Mr. Jairam is right, I’ve been living on the BU campus for a while, and nobody has harmed me so far…”, agreed the leopard.

3. Tax cheaters listed on Rajkot city billboards
The Rajkot Municipal Corporation has come up with a novel way to wake its tax cheaters up. The city’s major tax defaulters will now have their names on billboards at several different locations in the city. The defaulter list includes hospitals, schools, corporations as well as individuals including a few politicians.

The local society for wannabe models has asked its members to stop paying city taxes altogether, and asked the city council to consider putting their pictures instead of their names, next year.

4. Valentine day loverboy in Miraj wedded to a donkey
In Miraj, Maharashtra, the Valentine day celebrations turned into wedding celebrations when local gangsters forcefully wedded a local youth to a donkey.

But there wasn’t any kick-ass song-and-dance party as is usual in most Indian marriages. Donkey-mergers are said to bring much-needed showers in parts of India, and the kick-ass party may well have to wait till the first gusts of monsoon in Miraj.

Jan

30

Pakistan underworld threatens Indian comedian

January 30, 2009 posted by indiatime | 4 Comments

Raju Shrivastav, the funnyman of Indian Television, has done what Indian government and India’s intelligence agencies have failed at for last several months. In a recent skit on an Indian channel, Shrivastav blasted Pakistani government, its secret services and the Indian gangsters who now call Pakistan their home. Shrivastav’s verbal darts must have hit dead center, because for last 15 days, the Mumbai-based comedian is said to have been getting threats from Pakistani underworld (which is really Indian expat gangsters in Karachi).

For months, India’s prime minister, external affairs minister, and the defense minister have been softly twittering about Pakistan’s complicity in the terror attacks in India. But their soft and ineloquent whispers had proved totally ineffective and had failed to generate any response from Karachi’s underworld bosses such as Dawood Ibrahim and Tiger Memon and Chhota Shakeel. But Shrivastav’s brilliant comedy seems to have ruffled Pakistani underworld’s feathers, prompting the Karachi dons’ stupid sidekicks to pick up their cellphones and dial the comedian’s home number, threatening him to stop making his audiences laugh.

Raju Shrivastav’s comedy probably doesn’t reach many beyond the reach of Indian TV, but its effect is almost akin to other comedies that have dared to challenge terrorism in the past. ‘Jihad, the Musical’ a satire that premiered in Scotland last year, tackled the sensitive issue of terrorism by selectively satirizing the bad guys, using loaded but funny ballads.

Shrivastav’s recent skits satirized Pakistani authorities unwilling to give up their terrorist guests, hinting how influential positions within Pakistan are still held by those sympathetic to the terrorist causes. Using laughter, satire and the impeccable comic timing from his quiverful of comic tools, he was able to say a lot more than the usually carefully worded and politically correct diplomatic shitspeak that scarcely ever evokes a response from the other side.

Here’s funnyman Shrivastav in one of his earlier satires on Mumbai’s gangsters:

Jan

24

Mahmood on Saturday morning

January 24, 2009 posted by indiatime | 1 Comment

With the news about tough times all around, I’ve lately had a lot more negative posts than positive ones. Many readers have asked for something that puts a smile on their faces rather than having to read the depressing stuff. Here’s a clip featuring my alltime favorite Bollywood funnyman Mahmood. The top one’s from Sadhu Aur Shaitan, when the cabbie finds a dead man in his backseat. Just to be clear, prime minister Manmohan Singh is doing well after his open heart bypass surgery, and this clip bears no relation to his medical news today.

And here’s another one from the same inimitable Mahmood in the Bollywood slapstick Pyar Kiye Ja, this time a wannabe film producer selling his movie story to his rich dad.

Dec

30

Goa police terror advisory

December 30, 2008 posted by indiatime | 5 Comments

“…Anything protruding unnaturally under the clothing…” is one of the ways Goa police is identifying suspected terrorists. By those standards, many beachgoers in Goa ogling at bikini beauties on the beach may soon find themselves behind bars for allowing anything to protrude unnaturally under the clothing. Anyone wearing unsuitable clothes for the season, e.g. anyone wearing a coat or a jacket in summer, is also an automatic suspect. Once again, by those standards, anyone wearing extremely skimpy clothing on the New Year’s Eve, is sure to get a second glance by the Goa police, and may even risk being frisked by the Goa police.

The Goa police is not just focusing on suspected terrorists but has some tips for suspected victims as well. What to do if you find yourself in the midst of a terrorist attack? Leave the site immediately, advises Goa police (Had the Taj and Oberoi Hotel victims left the site immediately, they would have been safer, the Goa police seems to be suggesting). What to do once the terror attack is over? Leave the area immediately, advises Goa police.

Also today, Goa police asked vendors and suppliers to bid for bulletproof jackets and patkas. Here are some salient points:

1. parts under warrantee should be replaced within 24 hours (page 6).

2. The bulletproof patka should not have an ill effect on the head of a wearer (page 18).

And then there are some other suggestions before, during and after the terror attacks:

1. Do not form or join the crowd (remember, two is company three is a crowd)

2. Observe your surroundings (report anyone with protruded clothing)

3. Move to an open or protected space (move to a protected, not protruded space. Avoid protruded.)

4. Watch out for vehicles with sagging rears (this advice is limited for suspicious vehicles, not suspicious persons)

5. Look for and observe people trying to blend in the surroundings (observe any bikini babes on the beach, but watch out for others observing you for your protruded clothing)

I already feel a lot safer reading all that advice. Now I know that as long as I avoid suspected areas where suspected terrorists may execute suspicious activities, I will be safe. The simple trick is to keep myself away from the terror site before, during and after the attacks.

Dec

27

Greetings from Karachi

December 27, 2008 posted by indiatime | 3 Comments

Indian politicians seem to be losing the war of words with their Pakistani counterparts. Pakistani media, however, seem to be struggling with words. Here is a Pakistani TV reporter reporting on his fellow citizens’ holiday travels.

Thanks Naren, for sharing this gem with our readers.

Oct

22

1. India’s feminists blasted the government and the press for calling the lunar mission an unmanned mission - “…Why call this an unmanned mission when it is also an unwomanned mission? In fact, aren’t two of three most famous Indian astronauts women? Or is it because ‘men are from mars’? Then when we fly a mission to venus, can we at least then call it unwomanned mission?…”

2. India’s communist leaders reiterated their position that the lunar mission was a hoax. “..Wait till they start flashing pictures of moon on TV. Those moon pictures will look a lot like Ramnagar village in Sholay…”, one CPI leader blurted. Some senior CPI leaders accused the government of executing the moon launch to help the economic crisis in the United States.

3. Mamta Banerjee is upset that the Govt of India has already granted a major portion of lunar land to Tata. She is also asking the government to clarify why Tatas alone have been given permission to build lunar landrovers.

4. Congratulating India’s scientists, Karunanidhi, Tamilnadu’s chief minister, told the media that the moon mission will finally destroy the myth of Hindu mythology. “I have been telling our people that Hindu Gods did not exist”, he said, “this moon mission is a clear sign that there is no such thing as God Chandra“.

5. Sena leaders in Mumbai were livid when someone mentioned about India’s date with the moon. ‘Amchi Moonbai’, they shouted.

6. Human resources minister Arjun Singh congratulated the Indian Space Research Organization and announced that the government soon planned to open 20 additional space research organizations all around India. “There is a lot of space”, he said.

7. Health minister Ramadoss is proposing a ban on public smoking on the moon. Speaking to the reporters in the capital, he expressed his concern, telling them that ’smoking while mooning can be hazardous and injurious to health’.

8. Also speaking to the press in the capital, Sheila Dixit, New Delhi’s chief minister expressed her dismay at the early morning launch of the lunar mission. Traveling in space so early in the morning can be unsafe, she pointed out, adding that space is already known to be unsafe and there was no need to be this adventurous.

9. When asked to comment on India’s first lunar launch, home minister Shivraj Patil said, “Whoever has done this, they are enemies of humanity and enemies of India….They want to destroy peace in our society. . . . We will take the toughest action against them…..Tuesday’s blast was very big. …we will have to see who is behind this”

10. “What’s next for India after Chandrayaan-1″, the foreign press asked India’s president. “Two”, she said with her trademark hand gesture.

Oct

17

Palin vs Patil - a comparative study

October 17, 2008 posted by indiatime | 1 Comment

Sarah Palin, the vice-residential nominee of the republican party in the the US is trying to reach a goal that Pratibha Patil of India has already reached. The two women come from two corners of the planet, Palin from Alaska and Patil from Maharashtra. But there is a surprisingly large number of things they have in common. Here is my humble attempt to bring those coincidences to your attention:-

palin patil
 
current governor of the
northwestern state of Alaska, USA		 former governor of the
northwestern Rajasthan, India
 
first female governor of Alaska, USA first female governor of Rajasthan, India
 
currently nominee for Vice-President of USA currently President of India
 
captain of basketball team in school captain of table-tennis team in college
 
winner of local beauty pageant was voted ‘college queen’ of MJ College, Jalgaon
 
Is a Bachelor of Science (BS) in Communication-Journalism Is a Bachelor of Law (LLB), and a Master of Arts (MA) in Political Science
 
has been accused of firing her brother-in-law has been accused of shielding her brother from a criminal investigation
 
her husband has been accused of interfering with an official investigation her husband has been accused of contributing to a teacher’s accidental death
 
Is an avid hunter married into a family originally from a place called ‘Sikar’ meaning hunting in Hindi
 
Her nomination for the vice-presidential spot caused controversy prompting many to question her qualifications Her nomination for the presidential spot caused controversy prompting many to question her qualifications
 
Has never uttered the word ‘Rajasthan’ or ‘Maharashtra’. Has surely uttered the word ‘Alaska’ several times. In her language, Alas Ka means ‘did you come’?
 

Jul

9

To go or not to go

July 9, 2008 posted by indiatime | 2 Comments

Musiri, an Indian town in the southern state of Tamilnadu, is taking a novel approach to incentivize better hygiene for its citizens. It has started paying them money every time they use a specially constructed toilet. As against not using any, that is.

The specially constructed toilet is an eco-sanitation facility that provides fertilizers for paddy crops and creates compost manure, in addition to motivating townsfolk from getting away from the age-old habits of open, unsanitary and yes, unseemly practices.

The reward isn’t much. It’s just 14 cents a month, calculated on the basis that the average townsfolk would use the facility twice a day. For those who would try to cheat the system by going more than two times a day, the authorities send them to a medical checkup facility instead.

The program has been hailed as a success so far, but there aren’t any guarantees and here are my ten guesses why, when investigated later this year, the town’s innovative strategy was found not to have worked that well:

1. For many residents, the motivation was just not enough. 14 cents? That’s bullshit, they said. The authorities disagreed. You know and we know it’s not bullshit, they said.

2. There were principled townsfolk who opposed the idea. ‘Not everything is for sale’, they said.

3. Some residents complained that this was just another government tactic to get more out of its taxpayers

4. Some residents were found to be cheating by going even when they didn’t have to

5. The government stopped the unemployment insurance saying the sanitation incentive had now replaced it

6. A lot of residents just didn’t get it. ‘What’s in it for me’, they asked.

7. The youngsters fled the town when a council member brought up drafting those above 16 for a mandatory 6-month duty

8. Some out-of-towners were found to be illegally making money by faking to be residents of Musiri town. One local council member took exception to that. ‘No shit’, he said, demanding that the locals be given preference against the outsiders.

9. As the lines to the sanitation facility got longer, new food facilities opened up to cater to those waiting in lines, and offering credit to the regulars. Things kind of grew out of hand. A few politicians even threatened a go-slow unless the government raised the prevailing wages.

10. Residents went ballistic after discovering that the facilities were closed on all public and bank holidays, including birth and death anniversaries of India’s national heroes. “This program stinks’, they fumed.

Jun

24

Mahatma Gandhi, the State bank trainee

June 24, 2008 posted by indiatime | 1 Comment

If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide.
- Mahatma Gandhi

The human resources division of the State Bank of India, was recently taken for a ride by a prankster, who registered for one of their training programs, under a very famous name. The prankster applied for a 5-day pre-test training for bank clerks, entering his name as one ‘Mohandas Gandhi’, living at 123 Sabarmati Ashram, Ahmedabad.

The prank came to light when the trustees of Sabarmati Ashram, Mahatma Gandhi’s famous retreat, received a letter from the State Bank, inviting Mahatma Gandhi for a pre-test bank clerk training. The bank’s recruitment division had apparently failed to whet out applications (almost 24 lakhs of them), resulting in the registration card being mailed to Mahatma Gandhi at his one-time address.

The trustees of the Gandhi’s legacy at Sabarmati, took offense at the prank, denouncing it as an act of insult that denigrated India’s national hero. But Gandhi himself would probably have laughed it off. He had a great sense of humor, even of the self-deprecating kind. And had he been the prankster who played the prank, he most certainly would have finished it off well, appearing at the exam center in his trademark attire.

Apr

18

Top 5 explanations for the president’s gesture

April 18, 2008 posted by indiatime | 14 Comments

pratibha_patil.jpgOne of President Pratibha Patil’s popular image is that of her waving a victory sign to her countrymen. I have often wondered what victory she is pondering about when she makes the V sign, and have a few guesses of my own as to what’s going on here. So here are my 5 explanations of what Mrs. Patil is doing in this picture:

1. This picture was taken in Brazil where Mrs. Patil was teaching the Brazilians how to play Cricket, especially the art of Indian spin bowling.

2. Mrs. Patil spoke before the Brazilian senate on Thursday, but the senate chamber was almost empty. This picture was taken when the Mrs. patil came out after the speech and the press asked her how many people attended her speech.

3. Brazil’s NRI women gathered around Mrs. Patil and asked her if she had kids. “Two”, she said.

4. In Sao Paulo, the Non-resident Indians mobbed the president for a photo-op. After about 30 minutes of unmanageable chaos, the president summoned her security. “Get me out of this mess in 2 minutes”, she ordered.

5. Brazilians, impressed by seeing the first woman president of India, asked her how she felt about being the most important woman in India. “…second most important…”, Mrs. Patil corrected them, flashing a mysterious Mona Lisa smile.

Feb

16

Jayanti Prajapati was planning to travel to Ahmedabad and he even had his seat booked for the Mumbai-Ahmedabad Lokshakti (People’s Power) Express. The 7:40 pm train took off almost on time from Bandra, but Prajapati was not on the train because he had missed it.

So he thought of a novel idea that would still alow him to catch the train. He called up the Railway Police from his cell phone, and told them that someone had put a bomb on the Lokshakti Express. Once they received the call, the Railway police were obligated to stop the train at the next staion and that, they did at Andheri station. There, the police combed through the stopped train almost for more than 2 hours, but having found nothing suspicious, they decided to let thr train continue.

Meanwhile, Prajapati had now managed to catch the train at Andheri. As the train left Andheri station, he patted himself on the back for his brilliant idea and laughed at the stupidity of the Railway police, having duped them into stopping the train just for him to get on that train. And then his cell phone rang. As he answered the phone, the police in the railway car quickly jumped on him and put him into handcuffs.

You see, by the time the train left Andehri station, the police had figured out where the bomb hoax call originated from. It was a gentleman called Jayant Prajapati. They put that name into their booking database, and viola! Prajapati was on the list of people who were on the same train. They also found out that his seat was empty when the train took off from Bandra. And the police on the train found that the empty seat had suddenly been occupied by someone and that person happened to be the same person who answered the cell phone.

So, In the end, Prajapati who had missed the train at Bandra, caught it at Andheri, was arrested at Borivali and so missed the train again. Prajapati will be spending some time in jail now, and he would get not a seat, but a sleeper bed, most probably on the floor in a shared cell.

The moral of the story? The Police Shakti (Police Power) does sometimes trump the Lok Shakti (People’s Power) when it involves stupid people and smart police.

Aug

23

Gajendra’s wooden khatola

August 23, 2007 posted by indiatime | 2 Comments

Gajendra Kharatmal of Kolhapur is in hot soup once again, with the police trying to haul him in jail for something he did 2 years ago. What he did 2 years ago is literally hair-raising.

Gajendra’s dreams to become a motor vehicle (RTO) inspector hit a snag when after passing the written section of the exam, he failed the physical. He failed the physical because he was merely an inch or two shorter than the required height of 5 feet and 3 inches. But Gajendra’s is a dreamer and he decided to overcome the height deficit by going through a height-lengthening surgery.
A taller Gajendra took the test one more time, passed the written, and almost passed the physical.

What he went through however was not the limb-lengthening Ilizarov. What he chose was not an addition of high heels to his closet repertoire. Instead, he fell head-over-heels in love with something new. He found a local Powar technique right at home in Kolhapur. The Powar technique by Dr. Vijendra Powar of the city hospital in Kolhapur, involves placing a block of wood on the top of your skull. The procedure is easy and one can achieve any amount of height increase in an affordable manner, because wooden blocks come real cheap., and it is just a matter of cutting a blockof the right size.

But the MPSC’s (Maharashtra Public Service Comission) assigned doctors suspected something was wrong when they saw a bump on Gajendra’s head. Last week, the MPSC has filed a case against him, and Gajendra’s udan khatola, his high dreams, has come crashing in the woods, at least for now.

Aug

22

Bollywood actor Sanjay Dutt will be out on a bail tomorrow, as the speed of the bureaucratic machinery could not cope wup withthe enthusiasm of his well-wishers, supporters and family. But it has been reported that in his short stay at Pune’s Yerawada prison so far, Mr. Dutt has been able to build 7 chairs, as part of his prison work program. He is being paid Rs. 30 for each of those chairs, totalling his prison income to Rs. 240 (about $6).

Those chairs, however, would fetch far more value if auctioned off in a celebrity auction, and might bring in close to hundreds of thousands of rupees each for the chairs. Here’s how that auction money could be used to improve India of today, on 22nd of August.

1. Distribute the money to one or few of the needy families who were victims of the 1993 blast.

2. Pay tuition for the government prosecutor’s (in the Sanjay Dutt case) Hindi language tuitions.

3. Pay Oshiwara police in Mumbai so they stop sensitive investigation leaking information to media. That should save a few teenagers’ lives.

4. Pay BCCI so they can match ICL salaries and up the ante for India’s cricket brats.

5. Pay Rakhi Sawant to dissuade her from making any more movies.

6. Buy enough scotch-tape to shut the mouths of communist party leaders for a long time.

7. Buy enough firepower to destroy the 128 new bunkers Pakistan recently built on the border.

8. Bribe Delhi high court judge so he can put JMM’s Shibu Soren back in jail.

9. Pay yoga class fees for 10 crore Indians who have made India the number one hypertensive country in the world

10. Give the money back to Mr. Sanjay Dutt so he can make another Munnabhai sequel that we can enjoy for a long time.

Aug

21

The leftist parties of India have so far managed to continue their standoff over Indo-US nuclear deal, and have even threatened to pull the carpet from under the ruling coalition. Here are the top ten reasons why India’s left does not want the Indo-US nuclear deal to go through-

1. Meiang Chang is facing tough competition from Ankita and Emon on the Indian Idol show, so China sent a boatload of money for a ‘vote Chang campaign’. But communist party stalwarts, as usual, took the Chinese money home. China found it out, so the communists came up with a brilliant idea and decided to oppose the nuclear deal with the US.

2. Left parties have theorised that the next american elections will be won by the left in the US - Hillary Clinton. So they want to express their opposition to Henry Hyde (of the Henry Hyde Indo-US nuclear act) the person who led the congressional impeachment against Hillary’s husband Bill.

3. During a chat with CNN-IBN’s Karan Thapar, CPI(M) leader Sitaram Yechuri confessed about his nightmares of BJP coming to power next. Those sleepless nights have caused agitation, anxiety and anger against everything, including any nucelar deals.

4. Communists believe that it may be ‘difficult for ordinary people to grasp the implications of the nuclear agreement‘ , and only they, the communists, have extraordinary brainpower that can grasp the nuclear deals between superpowers.

5. CPI-M leader Vrinda Karat is angry that Americans are paying more and more attention to yoga and she has vowed to stop the american imperialist invasion against India’s bogus mythical art of bodybuilding.

6. Jyoti Basu and his son Chandan are angry and upset about the Swiss banks not paying good interest on their dollars. They are hoping to leverage the Indo-US nuclear deal to get a good compulsory deposit scheme rate with the Europeans.

7. Jagmohan Dalmiya has been pressuring the West Bangal politicians to put pressure on the UPA to put pressure on Sharad Pawar to lift any sanctions against him.

8. Communists are upset that if India produces more nuclear energy, there will be much more electrification, and poor people will stop voting for the communist party.

9. Bengal’s own Bollywood composer - Bappi Lahiri composed a new song called ‘Nuclear Dil’, which he sang at the communist party annual function. The party immediately held a meeting and decided that it will oppose the Nuclear Dil with all its might.

10. Bengal’s communist government has determined that American imperial policies and Hollywood’s dirty influence are to blame for the latest sex and porn-CD racket uncovered by Headlines Today, at the famed Shanti Niketan.

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